A personal exploration of a principle I’m trying to live by

There’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately.

Is this within my control?

I didn’t used to think that way. Like most people, I’d just react — get frustrated, overthink, overanalyse. But the more I’ve been reading and reflecting, the more I’ve come to see just how much stress and wasted energy comes from trying to control the uncontrollable.

I’m not perfect at it. Far from it. But this idea — the Stoic dichotomy of control — has started to shift how I respond to situations. Not all at once. But slowly, gradually, and in a way that feels real.

What is the Dichotomy of Control?

The Stoics — people like Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius — were dealing with some seriously hard conditions. War, exile, political instability, loss. And yet they developed one of the most practical and clear-headed philosophies of living I’ve ever come across.

At the heart of it is this distinction:

  • Some things are within our control.
  • Some things are not.

That’s the dichotomy. And once you start to see your life through that lens, everything changes.

What can I control? My thoughts. My actions. My responses. My effort.
What can’t I control? What others think. What others do. The outcome. The weather. The past.

When you stop wasting energy on what you can’t change, you can finally focus on what you can. And that’s where your power is

A Real-Life Example: The Unanswered Messages

I’ve got a martial arts coach I train with once a week. We’ve only known each other for five months or so, but I’d say we’ve become friends. It feels like a genuine connection — we get on, we talk, there’s a good vibe when we train. I think he’d probably say the same.

Every now and again, I’ve sent him a message outside of training — something small I thought he might find interesting. A clip, a link, a quick thought. But each time, he hasn’t replied.

When I’ve mentioned it in person, he’ll usually say “Yeah I saw that,” and move on. No reply, no comment, just… nothing.

It started to bother me. Not massively, but enough to notice. I wondered if I’d misread the relationship. Maybe we’re just gym acquaintances after all. Maybe he’s not as bothered as I thought.

So I brought it up with my partner, who’s a CBT therapist and counsellor. She asked why it was getting to me.

I told her it just felt off — that I’d make the effort to reply to his messages, so it seemed strange that he wouldn’t do the same.

And she said something simple, but spot on:

“Maybe you are friends — but how do you know he doesn’t treat all his friends that way? Maybe he just doesn’t do messages. Maybe it’s nothing personal. Maybe he’s distracted, busy, or dealing with something you know nothing about.”

And she’s right.

I’d fallen into the trap of expecting someone else to behave the way I would. But the Stoic approach is this:
I can only control what I do — not how anyone else responds.

Still a Work in Progress

I’m not claiming to have mastered this. There are still times I react, still moments where I forget to pause and reflect.

But this principle — this ability to step back and ask “Is this in my control?” — it’s helping.

It gives me space. It helps me let go. Not in a passive way, but in a deliberate, conscious way.

Because the moment you stop clinging to things you can’t control — other people’s behaviour, outcomes, approval, recognition — you free yourself up to focus on what really matters: your own effort, your own growth, your own peace.

If any of this struck a chord with you, try this:

Next time something winds you up, or makes you feel unsettled, just pause and ask:

Is this within my control?

And if it’s not?
Let it go. Genuinely, consciously, with intention.
Not because it doesn’t matter — but because you do.