Losing a relative or a friend when they have passed away is truly an awful experience, in fact probably the worst experience imaginable. We all accept death as an inevitable part of life but that doesn’t make the experience any easier. As a child there is nothing more heart wrenching than losing a parent, worse still is a parent losing a child; things are just not meant to work this way. Death is a certainty, but even though we know we will one day lose our mother and father, nothing can prepare you for the loss that you feel. Nothing. When my mum passed away just over two years ago, I was completely lost, in fact I still am, she was the most important person in my life and the most amazing woman. I was, like most people are, heartbroken to lose my mum. I miss her every single minute of every day but even though I miss her dearly, I no longer grieve her loss like I did at the time. Time, as they say heals all wounds, well I am not so sure it heals so much as it gradually masks the pain and allows us to move on with our lives.
When somebody dies, it is final, you know that you will never see that person ever again, unless of course you believe in an afterlife; but looking at the facts and what we know for sure, when somebody dies, that person has gone from your life forever; knowing this can give you some form of closure.
But, mourning the loss of somebody does not necessarily mean that the person has passed away. As anybody who has ever been rejected or dumped by a spouse, lover, girlfriend or boyfriend will know, it is one of the most difficult emotional and psychologically difficult situations that you can go through. Even though this person has not passed away, the loss we feel is akin to mourning.
To mourn the loss of someone who is still alive, especially if you are still deeply in love with that person is so very upsetting and confusing. Unlike when people pass away, losing somebody due to a break-up can leave you with many unresolved feelings and a sense of there being no closure. Sure , you would think that your partner telling you that they no longer want to be with you should be closure enough, but because they are still very much alive, there is always the chance that you could hear from them or see them again and perhaps even reconcile.
Knowing that the person you love so much is still alive but no longer wants you to be a part of their life makes it very difficult to move on, it can place you in a perpetual state of worry and anguish and you may hope and pray that your loved one will change their mind and come back to you. Being optimistic of this happening is one thing but living your life in a constant state of hope that this will happen prevents you from living your life fully. When you hope, you are not living life in the present moment, you are dwelling on the past and thinking about the future; “what went wrong?”, “why did they go?”,”what will happen?”, “will he or she come back?”, “will things work out?”, thoughts like these make you focus more on yesterday and tomorrow rather than today.
Wanting things to work out with your loved one is perfectly understandable but it is the hoping that they will one day come back that causes so much pain and grief.
Abandon any hope of fruition — Don’t get caught up in how you will be in the future, stay in the present moment – Slogan 28 Lojong Buddhism
You see, everything that we know, everything that is, has an opposite, day wouldn’t exist without night and up couldn’t exist if there was no down, similarly fear would not exist if there was no hope. It is for this reason that you should not hope, for if you live in hope then you also live in fear, fear of your loved one not coming back, fear of things not working out for you how you would like, fear of never being happy again. If you live in hope then you are also living in fear and it is this fear is that is making you grieve the loss much more. Living in hope means living in fear and living in fear means living with grief and if you are living in grief then you cannot move on with your life.
“But I don’t want to move on with my life”, I hear you say? “I don’t want anybody else, I want to be with my love.”
Moving on does not mean that you have to go and find yourself a new partner or forget about your ex-partner, nor does it mean that you have to abandon any thoughts of reconciliation, it simply means that you have to live your life today whether your partner is in your life or not. You shouldn’t focus on the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what might be’s’ of the future but the ‘what is’ of today. Moving on also doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving that person. Even if they are no longer in your life or worse still, they no longer love you back you can still love them today, tomorrow, forever if you wish. It is okay.
I understand totally what it is like to be mourning the loss of someone who is still alive. I can still miss and love my ex-girlfriend and still love her. But by ‘Abandoning hope,’ we can stop grieving and move on.
