When we talk to other people on a day to day basis we do so in a very organic and natural way, that is, we don’t often ponder or analyse what we are going to say before we say it, the words we speak just naturally flow.

Oftentimes when we speak in such a natural way we find ourselves saying things that we don’t necessarily mean or that the person we are talking to may interpret in a different way to what was intended. If we are not mindful about our speech the results can be disastrous. That is not to say that we need to analyse everything and overthink our words during every conversation that we have, although doing so won’t do any harm. However, we should always try to be mindful about our words when talking.

‘The Three Gates of Speech,’ is often credited to the 13th-century Persian poet and Islamic scholar Rumi, who supposedly said,

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: At the first gate, ask yourself “Is is true?” At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?” At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?” – Rumi

Many other faiths use a similar adage to promote the use of correct speech, but whether it originated from Socrates, Buddha, Rumi or any other scholar doesn’t really matter, what does matter, is that if we truly want to be mindful about our speech, we should first allow our words to pass through these three metaphorical gates before we speak; if the answer to any one of these questions is “No”, then it is probably wise to keep our mouths shut and not say what is on our mind.

Is it true?

Whilst there are some people who will deliberately and purposefully tell lies, for the most part, the average person doesn’t intentionally tell lies during everyday conversation. But just because we don’t tell lies on purpose, that doesn’t mean that what we say is always truthful. Sometimes we might hear something from somebody else and without checking if what we have been told is true or accurate, we might pass that information on to somebody else and perpetuate an untruth. Sometimes we might get so caught up in telling a story about ourselves to someone that we exaggerate the facts a little or embellish the details in order to make it sound more interesting. Sometimes we might genuinely recall the events happening in a different way to what actually happened. I recently told a story about new pupils getting their heads dunked in a toilet as an initiation to the high school which I attended and I genuinely believed this really happened, but then upon closer reflection, I couldn’t really remember if this actually happened or if I just heard rumours that it happened and subsequently believed it to have happened. I didn’t intentionally lie but my brain tricked me into believing a rumour to be the truth. We may also say things that we don’t necessarily believe in simply because we want to fit in with other people and their values and beliefs. When we do this, we are not being authentic to who we really are.

So before you speak, ask your self, “is this true?” and if it is not, ask yourself why you are saying it and what are you trying to convey by misrepresenting yourself.

Is it necessary?

It always good to have a moan and air our dissatisfaction with things but it isn’t always necessary or helpful to the situation. Even if what you have to say is important you should first ask yourself is it necessary; even if the answer to this question is yes it is necessary, it is always useful to then ask yourself “is it necessary to say this right now, or in doing so might it harm the conversation or upset of offend the person with whom we are talking?”

Is it kind?

Some people would argue that the way somebody interprets your words is down to them and that you are not responsible for their feelings; whilst I understand this concept, I still think it is very important for us to be consciously aware of our words and what impact it may have on another person. We should always ask ourselves, “is what I am saying kind to the person with whom I am talking?” if we know that what we are going to say is not kind and would hurt the person with whom we are talking but we still choose to say it, then we are being an idiot.